Should have been me
So my drug dealer just left the country. And that...
My drug dealer just left the country.
I don’t know how this makes me feel, not gleeful, that’s for certain.
It’s not what you think, I’m not looking to buy smoke. Hopefully, I’ve quit. Perhaps former drug dealer, I should have said. Yes, it’s not why you think.
I feel the way I feel because we were led to believe that drug dealers had no future. “Look at them,” our parents would say, pointing to the guys in dreadlocks with their pants below their waists. “You don’t want to be like them. Those touts have no future. Their lives are a complete waste.”
His name was Sim card. He had the voice of a woman. Yes, even I thought that was strange.
I didn’t think too much of Sim, but I always wondered what he would think of me as I trekked down the street leading to his bunker. Did he ever think of me? The customer who came only once in a while. The girl that had no guy buying for her. She dressed modestly, spoke good English, was always on her best behaviour, and never stopped to smoke. In my head, I was different. I looked down on dope fiends. I wasn’t unredeemable like they were. I had control! Except I didn’t and we’ve already addressed that; https://medium.com/black-bear-recovery/my-mistake-my-addiction-648023d74f26
But did Sim card ever wonder about me?
I struggled with my addiction. Every day I hated myself for who I had become, but I was no close to getting out. There was always dread in my heart when I saw my reflection. I couldn't stand it. How black I had become, how darker my lips had gotten from kissing burning bottles. I always smelled like cigarettes, but sure, I wasn't like the others.
I'd burn crack for a week straight, then judge myself for a month or two, only to eventually go back and burn more crack, and that was the circle.
Surely he must have thought of me, that self-righteous bitch. The one who thought she was better than others.
Simcard didn’t look any different from the figures society pointed out to me as bad examples when I was a child. He sagged his trousers. He had dreadlocks on his head. He hung around poor company. He instigated it. He baked and sold the fucking crack! But one day, the first day I ever spoke to him aside from our usual “How much own you want” deals, I realized he was better than me.
I don’t know what he and his boys were arguing about before I got there, but I listened in on the conversation as I waited for him to cut my market. I occasionally chuckled at points I thought I fucked with, and then he looked up at me and said, “Angel, you know say this thing una dey smoke no hard to stop abi?”
I looked at him. Not today Sim, I just want to smoke in peace and enjoy my high.
He continued, “Na just people dey make am dey like say e hard. See ehn, once you realize watin this thing dey do you ehn, you go stop.”
“Haba Simcard, you dey pursue client?” I heard one boy say.
“No o. She no go fit stop na. The thing too sweet.” he looked at me with pity in his eyes. I remembered how I started, in negligible quantities, now I bought grams and even one didn’t do.
“So you you no dey smoke?” I managed to ask.
He ran his hand around his head and snapped his fingers, “You see this sun wey dey shine for our head? You see as e hot so? Na the only highness I dey take.
Me I no dey drink. Me I no dey smoke.”
He said it with so much pride. I admired the young man. If only that was me.
I bought my market and went home.
Dear world, the drug dealer doesn’t drink alcohol nor smoke, yet they are the bad examples? I am the graduate. I am the likely-to-succeed student. The destiny child. Pride and joy of my mother. I am the drug addict. Me. The one who’s always dressed well!
Steven, Simcard’s boy, just called me this evening. He hadn't heard from me since the first week of February. I used to be a prized customer. He asked if he would see me again, but I've left the state. I'm starting afresh. Of course, he didn't need to know all that. Then he said it, Simcard had left the country. Overseas! The drug dealer travelled outside Nigeria. A feat many of us die trying to achieve. The drug dealer did it! And now I don't know how to feel.
What about everything else society taught us? What makes right or wrong? Who are we to say?
But my drug dealer just left the country. I don't know how this makes me feel, not gleeful, that's for sure. He saved all the money he made selling crack. He saved all the money I and many others paid him when we should have been investing and growing. He compiled it and travelled abroad. That should have been me. That should have been me.
We never know how much we spend on addictions. We plead broke, owu stricken, but check your statement of account. You were rich.
Glossary
1. How much own you want? — What amount do you want to purchase?
2. Angel, you know say this thing una dey smoke no hard to stop abi? — Angel you do know that what you people smoke is not hard to quit right?
3. Na just people dey make am dey like say e hard. See ehn, once you realize watin this thing dey do you ehn, you go stop. — It’s people that make it seem hard. Listen, the moment you realize what it does to you you’ll stop.
4. Haba Simcard, you dey pursue client? — Ah, Simcard, are you trying to chase off your client?
5. No o. She no go fit stop na. The thing too sweet. — Not at all. She cannot stop. It is very sweet.
6. So you you no dey smoke? — So you don’t smoke?
7. You see this sun wey dey shine for our head? You see as e hot so? Na the only highness I dey take. — Do you see the sun shining on our head? That’s the only highness I take.
8. Me I no dey drink. Me I no dey smoke. — I don’t drink. I don’t smoke.
9. Owu stricken — Poverty stricken
